So my mom died almost a month ago. I stopped working 2 months ago and I start school the 18th. Things with my wife aren’t great. So where do I start?
I’ll start with the facts…
I’m excited about starting school. I’ve nervous though too. That I won’t know what I’m doing and I’ll fail and still be lost with my life.
My mom had gotten bad in April and stopped working. She started chemo for the 6th time but it didn’t work. Shortly after she stopped chemo she decided to stop all preventative care and called hospice in. 3 days after hospice came in she passed away. I was getting ice cream and then went to her house. She was still sleeping so I didn’t see any reason to rush over. When I got there her bf was outside with my grandma. He had just checked to see if she was breathing before he went outside but when we went in (not even 5 minutes after he had gone out) she wasn’t breathing. I had to call everybody. Hospice, my grandmas, my aunt, uncle, god mother, my moms friend (who had the letter with her wishes) because john was inside just telling her to wake up. But she didn’t want to be in pain and she just kept taking more morphine so at least she just went to bed wednesday and never woke up. But I can assure you i’ll never eat ice cream again!
On to things with my wife. When we first thought my mom stopped breathing I texted her and said “I think my mom’s dead.” She said she was going to leave work and I told her not to. I just didn’t know what to do and I had to handle things and I didn’t want somebody standing next to me asking if I was okay. I was very matter of fact about things the day she died. Mainly because John clearly wasn’t going to be any help and my normally super supportive god mother walked in the house and dropped to the floor crying. I had to make sure everybody knew and was there and when hospice got there I had to deal with them and then the funeral home got there and they made me pick out an outfit for her to wear and then they had to change her. Nobody told the most obvious person…my brother…even though he was upstairs sleeping. So I ran up and told him we thought she had died. He got mad and walked out. I spent a little time walking around trying to find him. I found him down the street talking to a neighbor about it but couldn’t convince him to come home. Everything was falling on my shoulders and I just couldn’t break down yet so I figured it was best if my wife wasn’t there yet.
But that day my wife did text me and told me she didn’t want to mess up and not be there for me the way I needed her to be. Well she really hasn’t. She changes the topic a lot and doesn’t really talk about my mom. She hasn’t held me while I’ve cried. She usually goes to bed and I end up crying on the couch. I haven’t done that much lately though. And my sleeping has gotten back to normal. She has been there for me though. Just not the way I want all the time. Oh well. I’m greatful she’s dealt with me through all this at least.
But then last night she told me that I was depressed and needed counseling. Her reasoning was that I stay in bed all day and I’m not “normal”. That pissed me off. I think I’m back to normal for the most part. I’m in bed during the day when I don’t have anything to do. I don’t have a job. I don’t have money for gas or to go do anything. What does she expect me to do all day? I’ve been finding things to do though. I scanned 600 pictures from when my brother and I were younger just to do something. I went out with my Aunt and her friend the other day for dinner. I’ve visited my one friend at work. I’ve had a friend over. I’ve been cleaning the house. I’ve been doing everything I normally do. In the past 2 weeks I’ve only been in the living room crying once. It was late at night and my friend texted me and we were talking about my mom. I mean she died…the hurt isn’t going to go away overnight but I’m not letting it run or effect my life in any way, shape, or form.
My brother, who you can’t say anything to because he flips out and gets LIVID and my mom’s boyfriend, who I find REALLY annoying plan on keeping my mom’s house.The house is paid off but there’s a 20k home equity loan on the house. My mom had whatever was in her savings, 65k from her esop account, a 112k law suit settlement, and her 80k life insurance which all goes to me and my brother. But neither of them know anything about budgets or anything like that. So my uncle set them up a budget which is going to be tight. But they don’t know how to cut back and not waste so much money on weed. My moms boyfriend has aids and is on permanent disability so he could get free housing if he wanted to. Instead he wants to keep the house and put all $1500 of his monthly money into the house and my brother is gunna have to pay $125 a week towards the house on top of his car payment and own car insurance. He works 2 part time, minimum wage jobs which needless to say, means he doesn’t make much money by any means. So I have no idea how they expect to ACTUALLY do this. John would be much better off getting free housing and Matt should get an apartment. Matt’s 24. He’s not going to want to live with my moms boyfriend forever. He might want to own a house on his own or he might meet somebody but I don’t think him and john doing this is the best idea. If they mess up it’s going to hurt me. My name is going to be on the deed and I have my OWN house. I don’t want to be responsible for 2 houses. Repairs and all that. I’ve had to help them transfer all the bills. I had to go to time warner and return the cable boxes and then go get new cable set up and I had to go through all of my mom’s clothes and stuff and clean everything. But I just stay home in bed and depressed. HA! I’ve been trying to do everything for everybody. So yes, when I need a break from the stress and stupid and have nothing else to do, I take a couple days and relax in bed. When I start school I’ll have a job right after and I won’t have any time other than on weekends. So why can’t I enjoy the time while I’ve got it? And why does that make me depressed? If my mom hadn’t died and I did this (Which I would have) Heather would have just thought I was lazy or had nothing to do. So why does my mom being thrown into the mix make me depressed by default??? I’d be doing the same things otherwise. It really pisses me off that she works all day and doesn’t know EVERY LITTLE THING I do and assumes all I do is sit in bed depressed. I do plently of things. Not every single day but that’s because some days I want alone time or just don’t have the money.
Ugh. I want things to just go back to normal.
#4 - Museum of Death
The Museum of Death is a self guided tour, lasting approximately 45 minutes to an hour, but those who can stomach it may stay as long as they’d like. At $15 a ticket (with free parking), you can enjoy an entire section dedicated to Charles Manson, the severed head of serial killer Henri Landru, original crime scene photos from the Black Dahlia murder and much much more. This place is a serious trip. There’s nothing else like it. Go.
Address: 6031 Hollywood Blvd, Hollywood, CA
SOMEONE TAKE ME
I went last week, I’d recommend this to anyone that doesn’t mind very gruesome photos of dead bodies
This cat looks like it’s discovered the answer to the universe…
THIS CAT HAS SEEN THINGS
I cant help but laugh every time it turns its head
These pugs are already lining up for #PugChat on Twitter at 7 pm EDT. Are you coming? (Awesome Photo by @bubblebeccapugs)